That same anticipation
Friday, December 11, 2009 at 6:20AM | 7 Comments 
My mornings are filled with coffee and contemplation now. It's too cold to run. A year ago, I wouldn't have said that. A year ago, I was right in the middle of my running renaissance, had a closet stocked with Under Armor Cold Gear, and headed out covered head-to-toe so I could run six miles when it was 20 degrees outside.
Now, less than 365 days later, I sip coffee and wonder if today is the day I'll hold my daughter for the first time.
I've waited on things before, but I always knew what was coming. A trip overseas, my book to debut, a new client - these are all things I have excitedly waited for, but that had some sort of guaranteed date on them.
With a baby, it's different. Sure, we've got a due date. But when you tell the doula what it is and she eyes your wife's stomach suspiciously, you go home and pack a bag.
And wait.
As a first-time parent, I take comfort in the fact that my parents, my wife's parents, and parents for millions of years have made this work. I saw my college roommate a few weeks ago with his one-month-old daughter. If he can do this - the guy who ate a half a bag of Doritos for dinner while writing Web site code and watching Gladiator on repeat most weekends - maybe I can, too. (No offense, Adam.)
Couple this internal reality with the fact that it's nearly Christmas and I find myself in an existential crisis. I badly want everything put away in a nursery, and when my mother-in-law asks if we're having the baby in a hospital (which we are) on account of us using a midwife and a doula, and I sort of want to reply that no, we'll be using a manger. As I look at porcelain Jesus who sits among a disproportionate Mary and Joseph on my counter, I laugh at myself because at least I'm not wandering the countryside looking for a place to stay. A half-done nursery beats being where you wish you weren't.
A lot changes in a year. Developing companies no longer sounds as important as developing people. Growing ideas takes a back seat to raising a daughter. Standing out online is child's play compared to, well, playing with a child.
Speaking of, whenever it happens, Lindley's arrival will be her first attempt to communicate with us, saying "Ready or not, here we go" to a guy who likes to anticipate on schedule. And from that expectedly unexpected moment, she'll tell us "Ready or not" for the rest of my life.
And while that could cause me to want to strap on the Cold Gear and run until I collapse, I smile assertively and take another sip of coffee. It's the same thing I've said to my parents for nearly 29 years, and what Jesus said to his folks in a dirty barn.
A lot changes in a year. But maybe not a whole lot does over the course of 2,000 of them.
Reader Comments (7)
All I can say is thanks for this man - I have been doing a lot of thinking - and I think I just need to take a step back and enjoy living in the moment more - not worry about having the best blog, or starting my business tomorrow, any of that. I have a wonderful fiance, a lovely dog named Cowboy, an amazing family, great friends, I'm in a new city, with a good job in my field, I've been doing well as a freelancer (without even trying) - I think I need to just start taking everything in stride and "going with the flow" as they say.
I feel like that attitude is seen as "lazy" in the "Gen Y" community - but It's something that I think a LOT of people have lost touch with, including myself - and I need to get that balance back.
Cheers to you buddy - So excited for you to be a new Dad!
Hey Sam-
I've been thinking about waiting a lot lately. In fact, I just wrote about it this past Sunday too. I think these times definitely stir up anticipation within us. Good to read how it fits in your story.
Ben
Matt: Thanks for weighing in. I think what Gen Y is seeing is that goals, passions, and priorities change over one's life, and that's okay. Sometimes, we think we have to have it all figured out and live remotely or be the best at something by the time we're 28. That's when life's just beginning!
Ben: Thanks for the kind words. I'd love to read your thoughts on the topic.
sam - i really enjoyed this post. cheers to you and your growing family. prayers for a smooth and wonderful delivery.
(I can't wait either!)
Great blog, neighbor! And you are right on the money, with the "ready or not" factor. My goals and dreams and passions have changed (sometimes it feels on a daily basis) in the 6.5 years since our Jameson was born, and then our Charlie 3.5 years ago. I find that you can have the best laid plans with birth, with life, with goals and dreams, and sometimes that all goes out the window at the last minute once children come into the picture. But one thing I have learned is that all of that is ok. I've learned to just "be" sometimes. Kids are a wild ride, and some days you will lie in bed thinking, "man, I accomplished so much today!" The next night you're exhausted, worn to the bone, thinking, "what in the heck just happened?" only to wake and do it again. But the beauty of parenthood is this: you're not done. I'm reminded of a movie quote, can't remember the name to save my life, but it goes like this: a single woman is looking at her "married with children" friend with jealousy. Not only is she a wife and mother but she is an accomplished surgeon. The married friend looks at her single friend and says: "You think that I have all these things, that I'm done. That's it for me. But I'm not finished. I'm not done. There's so much more (I want to do)." I think as a parent this is so important. Don't be done. Don't be finished. Keep going. Teach your children that you are never done growing. I learned that from an 85 year old man in my very first psychology class. The professor asked him why he was taking this particular class, at his age especially. The man replied simply: "Well, I was ready to start over again. I wanted something new." LOVE IT! That is the best lesson, the best gift we can give our children. You are never too old to change your mind and grow in a different way. So kudos to you and Lynette, my friend. Little Lindley sounds like she's going to have some super hip and aware parents. And sometimes NOT. But remember, that's ok! ;o)
Thanks for the advice, Pam! It's always great to hear from someone who's been there. Thanks for sharing!