I Will Be Married to 5 Different Women in My Lifetime
Thursday, February 11, 2010 at 6:36AM | 9 Comments Once I realized I would be married to at least five different women in my lifetime, it was a lot easier to get married.
You may think my wife would cringe when reading this statement, but by my count, I've already been married to two different women since Lynnette and I tied the knot in 2004. And she's been married to a handful, too.
If you haven't figured it out by now, I'll always be married to Lynnette. But who Lynnette is will change - should change - over the course of our life together. This is why, when thinking hard about whether or not she was the one for me, I felt confident knowing she'd be someone who would grow and change as I grew and changed.
It was a smart professor/mentor who tipped me off to this notion. He told me, in his controversial style, that it would be best for me to be married to many different women. My conservative (at the time) self took offense at his suggestion until he broke it down for me. And it made sense. Certainly I was going to change throughout the rest of my life. Why wouldn't I want to be married to someone who did the same? In fact, to expect someone to stay the same would be ignorant at best and oppressive at worst.
I got married (relatively) young. I had just turned 23. My 29-year-old self looks at pictures of our wedding day and laughs in retrospect at the people dressed in black and white who said their original vows to one another while a barefoot guitarist strummed a song about stars. Our preacher handed us the rings to put on each other's fingers and we promised simple things to each other and pledged that we'd try our damnedest to make this thing last. The people in the picture, though, are not the same people married today.
A few years later we'd each have full time jobs we weren't crazy about. We became homeowners and pet owners. We traveled together to cities like Philadelphia and Chicago and went away for a week when our first few anniversaries hit. Then she went back to school to get a degree to pursue a job in a field she loved and came downstairs last April while I was eating a cupcake, a positive pregnancy test in one hand and a hopeful smirk to go with it.
And here we are - our eighth Valentine's Day together - as parents, trying to figure out together what makes a baby stop crying when she was so happy four minutes ago and what it will be like to drive to Mississippi with her on Memorial Day. We look at each other with a look that says, "I know who you are, even if you're different than the person I became infatuated with as we stayed up late to talk about God and life and dreams in St. Louis that summer it was so hot and there were lots of mosquitoes."
For some reason, people are led to believe that when they say "I do" they're making that declaration to a static human who will forever have the same values and assumption present on the wedding day. Nothing could be more dangerous. Perhaps more marriages wouldn't end so badly (or wouldn't begin in the first place) if we acknowledged the obvious: that our human brains and emotions are subject to an array of external forces beyond our control and to live a full life there will be times when convictions and behaviors and ideas will change. And if we promise to love a person and not a belief, another human being instead of that human's stance on an issue, then maybe we can make this work and be really happy together.
Realizing that you'll be married to more than one person may be the very thing that keeps you married to only one person.
Happy Valentine's Day, Lynnette.
Reader Comments (9)
Wow, Sam, reading this post gave me chills. I have never thought about marriage that way, like how you will be married to a different person, but it makes sense. My husband, John, and I have been together for 6 years and married for 2 of them. We met when I was 18 and married when I was 21. I have changed so much during that time, actually, I feel like I'm a completely different person now than I was 6 months ago. The beauty of marriage and any relationship, platonic or romantic, is that it is dynamic and people change. I think it'd be boring not to.
Thank you for sharing your story and putting this perspective into words.
Laura:
Thanks for stopping by and sharing your personal story. Sounds like you and your husband have a great marriage. Best of luck!
-Sam
Man, did I ever think you were going to get in trouble for this post. Yet, after reading it I gotta say, well written and well done. As we age we change...Its a fact of life. It's important to not only allow ourselves to change but also embrace the ways our partner changes as well... Well done..
Ross:
Ha! Yes, I did stay out of trouble. :) You bring up a great point, though - not only do we have to realize that we'll change, but we have to understand that our partner will change as well. And often, neither of us will change at the same time. Thanks for the kind words.
-Sam
This is the best Valentine's Day post I have read so far, and I've read a lot of them! This is so genuine and sincere and thoughtful. It is REAL. And it is TRUE. And it lets people know they are free to be themselves and to keep their love through it. I think I might send this to my boyfriend.
Thanks Sam! Happy Valentine's Day to you and Lynnette!
Jen:
Thanks for stopping by, and thanks for the kind words! I'm glad you found this enjoyable. Here's to being ourselves in relationships!
-Sam
Sam,
I wanted to drop in and compliment your piece of writing here; it is beautifully tender and I'm glad it popped into my Google Buzz stream via some of my bloggy friends. You wrote it in a way that seemed to remind me of how I'd write the same thing...I very much enjoyed it. Congratulations on the youngin' and all the best in every tomorrow with your family.
D
D:
Thanks for the kind words. I'm glad you found me. Happy Valentine's Day to you! I guess Buzz is good for something. :)
-Sam
Beautifully written and well said! Today is the anniversary of my first date with my husband (yes, our first date was on Valentines Day). Five years and 2 beautiful daughters later, we've experienced the highest of highs and the lowest of lows; and many of those were because of changes that we've gone through over the years (including my battle with depression, which truly affects everyone). But regardless, we are committed to each other and loving each other for better or worse. Thanks for sharing such an important and often overlooked part of marriage!
Kristin:
Thanks for stopping by and sharing your honest experience with all of us. Everyone can learn from others' relationships, so thanks for weighing in!
-Sam
I just threw up a little in my mouth.
No not really, I think I'm actually just jealous.
And this is why you'll have a long and happy marriage. Your ability to recognize that your lives will change, your circumstances will change, and your actual selves will change. Probably the most important part...your love will change too. It's foolish to go into a committed relationship and not acknowledge or realize that. The great part...when you are excited to see what the next chapter of the story will bring. :)
Great post! Through watching my parents marriage, then divorce in 2003, and the changes they've made since then, I see practical evidence of this. My parents married young, about 23, and had me the following year. My mom and I have talked a lot about her expectations for marriage and why theirs didn't work.
My mom thought her husband would stay the same throughout the marriage--big mistake. His goals and passions changed overtime. He was an attentive father and husband initially (both priorities for her), then focused on work and was aloof from the family. When he wanted to run for office our home country (Nigeria) and live there up to 6 months out of the year, she couldn't support it. She never wanted that type of marriage. The man she married wouldn't want that. But my dad, then age 45, was a different man.
In the 7 years since their divorce, I continue to see drastic changes in both of them. He's become a far more attentive father and changed his priorities to his kids are higher on that list. My mom, in her second marriage, is very different. Her priorities rearranged a bit to mirror her news husband's values. My step-dad and my biological dad are different like night and day.
One of the lesson's I learned from my parents is that people WILL change overtime. For a marriage to work, both of you have to commitment working together and remaining in love throughout those changes. I also noticed that people adjust to mirror their spouse and a long-term marriage requires some flexibility from both people.
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