The Family We Have
Wednesday, February 3, 2010 at 9:00AM | 3 Comments 
When I hold my daughter, I sometimes find myself quickly thinking about what she'll be like when she's 8. Or 25. Or 74. I don't want her to grow up overnight, but I'm a curious guy, easily wondering what kind of job she'll have, music she'll like, or idiosyncrasies she'll hate.
This the beauty of parenthood: you can look forward into oblivion, long past even your own lifetime on earth. The curse of childhood, even when you're old enough to have your own tangible dreams, is that you really can only look back at where you've been. Of course, it's always easier to plan someone else's future.
As I plan the rest of my daughter's life, I also think about the things beyond her control: her skin color, her gender, where she may live, and of course, who her parents are.
Try as hard as we might, none of us got to pick our parents. In the grand cosmic lottery, tickets were assigned and we were born. Some of us were big winners, and others of us were horrific losers. We can pick our friends, our co-workers, our spouses, and our neighbors, but no one auditioned to be our parent.
And this is the circumstance of family. Some of us don't get the family we want. Some of us don't get the family we deserve. But we all get the family we have. When we end up where we're going, we'll be able to speak of them using the phrase, "because of," "in spite of," "despite," or "against the best wishes and plans of." As our journeys unfold, the role of our families materializes - again - nearly beyond our control.
The role of parents, then, isn't so much to look ahead and draw a map for our children. Rather, it's to give them a compass. By allowing them to chart their own course and giving them the necessary travel tools and tips to get where they're headed, we'll get to play a part far deeper and more meaningful than the one random chance assigned us. Then they can one day talk about us with the phrase, "without whom none of this would be possible..." as they discuss where they've been.
Reader Comments (3)
Sam - Beautiful. I say frequently that families are the folks we have to love, but that doesn't mean that we always have to like them. :)
I could go a lot into my own personal stuff, but instead I will just say that the dynamic I have with my family has made me the strong, independent, intelligent and successful (in so many more ways than just career or money) woman that I am today and for that I am ETERNALLY grateful.
It's easy to look at the kids who have the cool parents or the new game system or the fabulous trips and wonder "Why not me" but someone somewhere has much greater plans for us that we are not aware of...yet.
As my colleague says, he wants his daughter to dream of being a doctor or a lawyer or an astronaut. She is 5 and wants to be a cheerleader. He keeps reminding her "Well, maybe you can be a cheerleading astronaut?!"
Elisa:
Well said! I like how you define success and it's cool how you attribute it to your family, which is different than other families. I think we all end up where we're going because of someone else. No one travels alone.
-Sam
Hi, I am a friend of Ann P and you are on her blogroll.
Anyways, I really like this post. Ever since we had our first child (7 months ago), I also have been pondering her future. There is nothing like having a child to make you think of your own mortality. I think of when she will be a grandmother and am a little sad i might not be there to enjoy it with her. It also makes me think about the state of the world more too, mainly so when she does have grandchildren, everyone can enjoy this beeautiful planet.
My favorite description of being a parent comes from the prophet. I am sure you have read it. That chapter always sets me up for some great meditation.
Michelle:
Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment. Ann P - as you know - is good people.
I need to go re-read that part of the The Prophet. Thanks for the tip!
-Sam
Sam, this is so lovely, and so true. Always tough to remember that we're not responsibly for "molding" our kids, but just for guiding them. Takes the pressure off! But it is kind of fun to think, "Hey, if I start them on a steady diet of The Beatles and The Rolling Stones at an early age, I wonder which camp they'll pick!"
Carley:
Thanks for stopping by - I look forward to learning more about you.
This whole parenthood thing is an adventure, that's for sure. My wife and I were wondering aloud the other day what our daughter will be like when she's 3, or 7, or 18. It's fun to ponder, but it'll be even better to watch it happen. And no matter who she is, we'll love her!
As for me, I'd hope she's in the Beatles camp. :)
-Sam