Creating Community After COVID

Victoria was an aspiring songwriter. She dreamed of earning a living doing what she loved, but like most in the entertainment industry, success was taking its own sweet time in arriving.

One day, she and a friend were planning on writing and nothing came to mind. Stuck, they decided to listen to some music to get the creative juices flowing. Inspiration struck and soon enough a first draft was done. Victoria’s partner turned to her and said, “I bet one day an entire stadium of people will be holding up lighters as this song plays.”

Victoria laughed. Neither had any hits, written or sung. They finished the song and went back to the daily grind.

Fast forward a few years to New York City. Victoria was tapped to be the opening act for the largest concert in the history of Central Park - over 1 million fans. When she was done with her set she found her way into the massive crowd. She held up a lighter along with the rest as her song “The River” played, performed by none other than the song’s co-writer, her friend, Garth Brooks.

A dream and a duo

I heard that story this past Saturday at the first concert I’ve gone to since COVID restrictions have been mostly lifted. Bluebird on the Mountain resumed and Victoria Shaw played some hits, as did Bob DiPiero and Gary Burr.

In Nashville, it’s not hard to find a songwriter (in addition to songwriting they’re also selling cars and waiting tables and teaching kids). And each time I have the chance to listen to one perform and talk about their work I’m struck by how none of them write alone. Groups of them gather consistently and relentlessly to hone their craft and perfect their poetry. Their best work is done in the presence of others.

They make each other better.

Our better selves

As we emerge from the COVID lockdowns and the isolation that resulted, we have an opportunity to do so better than ever, but we may have to be rigorous about rebuilding our connections and community. What used to come so easily and naturally may take time as we build back up muscles of connection and vulnerability that atrophied a bit this past year.

Much like a good workout, a good song, or a good cocktail, the enjoyment increases with each additional soul in the room. Therefore, now may be as good a time as any to work on those muscles by stretching them just beyond what feels natural.

Will you be my friend?

Some sad data I came across last week: over the last 30 years, more and more of us report having no close friends. And less of us have lots of friends. In other words, as I’ve mentioned before, we’re lonelier than ever.

Trends were heading this way before the pandemic, but like eCommerce, food delivery, and remote work, COVID accelerated that trajectory, compressing decades of change into a few months. Maybe it’s the fact that fewer of us know our neighbors, maybe it’s the ease by which we can distract ourselves with our phones, maybe it’s the false sense of community that social media lulls us into. Whatever the root cause and residual effects, we have to do something to build our communities.

And fast.

But…

Just like you’ll never say that food cooked in the microwave was your best meal ever, community developed quickly won’t provide lasting meaning. I wish I could write the Atomic Habits of building community but the truth of the matter is that the most meaningful sense of belonging we can ever know takes years of our lives to unfold. Sure, like James Clear I could lay out some tips to developing more community in your life, but it’s up to you make sure that interest compounds time and again. (To be fair to Clear, he also states that habits take time to provide optimal results.)

So maybe it’s worth a shot.

How to make friends as a grown up

1. Go first.

I have three open text chains (what I call texts I need to reply back to), all of which contain some version of me saying “We should hang out and catch up soon!” and the other person saying “Sounds great!” and me not sure who’s turn it is to say something next in the form of an actual plan.

If you’re wondering who’s turn it is in a conversation, it’s yours. Don’t fear saying one more thing; fear neither of you saying anything ever again.

The first step toward making friends as an adult is simply to ask. To say, “Would you like to get coffee?” or even “I’d like for us to get to know each other better; could we find a time to talk or meet?”

Sound a little like second grade, passing notes during math class, asking someone to check yes or no? Maybe. But that’s the only way friendship can work - one person taking a risk and asking another if they would, in fact, like to be friends.

Yes; your life is busy (so is theirs). Yeah; work sucks (so does theirs). Yeah; it’s scary to ask (they’re scared, too). Yeah; you’re lonely (so are they).

Be the hero. Make the ask. Take the risk.

2. Follow up.

We just made a critical hire at Batch, someone who can help take our company to the next level. The process was longer than I thought it would be from on the onset, but we were thorough and deliberate. When you’re a company of 12 people, adding a new person to the mix can change your culture by nearly 10%.

The person we ended up hiring was someone who followed up directly after applying to the job. She reached out and followed up by sending an email to me, stating her excitement about the opportunity. That initiative wasn’t forgotten during the next four stages of the process.

I’m tempted to let those open text threads simmer. It’s easy to, given how busy my life is with family, work, and now travel (again). And just like soup on a stove, I can let it keep sitting until it’s all dried up and good for nothing, a friendship that was supposed to be so delicious now void of all flavor due to neglect and preoccupation.

But I won’t. I can’t. I’ve got to man the stove and give that pot a good stir. And just like going first, my follow up could be ignored or rebuffed. Maybe they’ve gotten busy since we last texted (probably, but they want community, too). Maybe something stressful is going on at work (probably, but my follow up would be a pleasant relief). Maybe they’re angry at me, wishing I had followed up sooner (doubtful; they’re probably not thinking about me as much I as think they are).

Stay consistent. Make the ask. Take the risk.

3. Build a ritual

We humans like routine and control. It’s no wonder that our brains seem to be wired for ritual and have been for quite some time. Nearly every religion has numerous rituals and ceremonies that groups do together in the hopes that meaning and connection can result.

Perhaps it all began as a way to avoid death, disease, or destruction, but studies show that practicing some kind of communal ritual builds trust, reduces anxiety, and creates resilience. Some rituals actually result in participants’ heartbeats synchronizing.

Friendship rituals don’t have to be extreme, but they do have to be embracing. Our worst rituals keep people out; our best ones let people in.

Every Friday (mostly) you can find me and my family at the Farmers Market. The grown ups get a beer, kids eat ice cream and find a place to play away from the grown ups. Music plays in the corner. We tell stories. We ask questions. We laugh. We connect.

Nothing is written down. No points if you show up or demerits if you don’t. Just come.

I play in a bocce league and just finished my debut season on a pickleball team (like most of America). I’ve been in a poker club now for some 16 years. Attendance is better at some of those events than others, but at least the ritual is established, opening the opportunity for others to show up.

Start something. Make the ask. Take the risk.

All songs start with just a chord or a line and another person. With hard work over time they can become masterpieces.

Your most meaningful communities will start with you wanting to connect and then making an ask. With hard work over time they, too, can become masterpieces.