The Three Easiest Ways to Build Real Community

We were a room full of bright eyed and bushy tailed and privileged white kids. Of course, we were blissfully unaware of our privilege (and thus our whiteness) while we sat listening to the successful businessman tell his story. The African-American CEO was one of the few black people on campus that day, or most days, at our very white Christian college, so what he’d end up sharing would stick with me longer than any rote business lessons most of the white guys shared when they showed up.

A question came from the back of the room, “What can we do to create more diversity here on campus?”

“Stop asking to go to church with me,” he answered. “So many white kids ask to come to my church. You think it’ll be like a trip to the zoo; you’ll stay a few hours, gaze at something different than you for a while, and have some stories to tell later.”

“You won’t learn a lot about me or my family by going to church with me,” he continued. “So stop asking. If you want to really get to know me, then come to lunch with me after church. That’s where we can really talk and get to know each other. I’ll bring my whole family. You bring yours.”

Death by 1,000 coffees is a myth

I wonder if my classmate ever took our guest speaker up on his offer. In all likelihood I’d guess not. Often I’ll think about that class and what was said and how right our speaker had been. Some of my deepest and most meaningful conversations have happened when one, both, or all parties were enjoying coffee, bourbon, ice cream, or an entree.

That’s why when I hear a “busy” person turning down coffee invitations from someone wanting to ask them questions I know I’ve got an arrogant bastard on my hands. Must be nice to have all the friends and connections you’ll ever need. Maybe one day I’ll be successful enough to start rejecting the very community that helped create my success in the first place.

When I saw that the Entrepreneur Center in my own city released a podcast episode entitled “Death by 1,000 Coffees” and used it to elaborate on the futility of trying to network via coffee meetings I rolled my eyes and LOLed at the same time (that’s called a LOLroll and you’re welcome). If you believe in the benefit that community can offer and then downplay a core method by which it’s created it’s like you’re telling someone to lose weight by never eating again. Muscular atrophy and organ failure melts the pounds right off, I’m sure.

We need coffee. And Crossfit. And compassion.

There’s a reason we as humans ask one another to coffee. And lunch. Dinner, too. And happy hour, midnight waffles, and second lunch. The human species is wired to build community while eating.

But guess what? Dinner isn’t the only easy way to build real community. The three easiest ways for us to build high functioning teams, deep community bonds, and meaningful relationships are to do any of these three things together:

• Sweat

• Serve

• Sup

Get sweaty, Betty and Freddy

Want to stay married longer? Work out with your spouse. Research shows that couples who work out together report being happier in their relationship. Likewise, the chemicals released during exercise mirror those released during romantic attraction. Thrusters lead to thrusting.

Emotional bonds are strengthened between partners when they sweat together, and not just romantic partners. Research has shown that working out with colleagues increases trust in one another. Not to mention that those who work out in groups get stronger and lose weight faster than those working out alone. For reasons of mimicry, accountability, and commitment, we’re better together.

So if you’re looking to build camaraderie at home or work, put on the gym clothes (or take them off) and get sweaty. I’ll trust you to know which is appropriate when and where. Thank me later by naming your child or new corporate campus after me due to…ahem…growth.

It can’t be all about you

One way to sweat together that runs deeper than just exercising is service. Volunteering as a team can ensure that your employees stay on your team longer because a sense of mission is a key factor in employee retention. Biologically, those who volunteer report being happer and less stressed, thus improving overall company culture and morale. Volunteering as a team also increases skill development, competence, and confidence. Time to roll up those sleeves and grab a shovel.

But if volunteering as an individual is good, doing so as a team is great. Getting out of the accounting dungeon or the ivory tower to mix and mingle across departments and status levels can create avenues for dialogue and connection that usually won’t happen during staff meetings. Swap the water cooler in the foyer for one at the Habitat site and I bet your team will build new connections to and deeper understandings of one another.

Order up

I’ll cut straight to the research on this one: “communal eating increases social bonding and feelings of wellbeing, and enhances one’s sense of contentedness and embedding within the community.” Want to improve your life and the bonds between team members? Then fire up that grill.

As easy as it can be to eat (you kinda need to do it three times a day), we’re still not great at doing it with others. More than two-thirds of us have never eaten with a neighbor and even those of us who have don’t do it as frequently as we’d like.

And then COVID came and demanded we stay apart more, especially when eating, given all of its various mouth-open, saliva-necessary, surface-touching routines. So we had food delivered, couldn’t and didn’t meet for coffee, and had to sacrifice connection at the altar of science (and appropriately so; see above comment about organ failure and weight loss).

During COVID-19, we did hear of teams and families who scheduled video happy hours and dinners. With some 350 miles of distance between us my brother-in-law and I engaged in a weekly game called “Can you beat my meat?” where the only rule is “If you show me yours I’ll show you mine.” Pictures of grilled steaks, burgers, kebabs or chicken filled our Saturday text message exchanges. We finally were able to reunite last weekend and I proudly bit into his shoulder and sliced his sausage (that he bought at the grocery store and smoked - what were you thinking?!).

Eating together builds trust. Perhaps it’s hardwired into us: when you sit to eat you need to put down your weapons. Seated at a table where everyone is the same height we’re on a level playing field so discussion that leads to deep bonds can take root. If you want to build community, eat with someone else.

And if meeting someone for coffee is a waste of your time, you’re doing coffee wrong.

Post-COVID implications

As we begin to emerge from this pandemic and restaurants, gyms, schools, and ice cream parlors add capacity, we may need to overcorrect from the last eighteen months of less sweating, less volunteering, and less group eating. We’ve got to seek out ways and increase initial frequency for sweating, serving, and supping together.

A great way to build a new habit that sticks is to make it fun, and when paired with the right people, working out, helping others, and eating or drinking can be very fun indeed. The benefits are plentiful; it’s up to you to make sure your days and weeks have the space to commit to each of these for your own sake and that of your team, church, family, or neighborhood.

I’ll offer the following framework which is one I will also be trying to emulate in my corner of the world. Let me know in the comments if this frequency works for you and what immediate benefits you’re gaining:

• Once a day, I’ll share a meal, drink, or snack with someone else (in person or digitally).

• Once a week, I’ll work out with someone via a class or joint activity (in person or digitally).

• Once a month, I’ll volunteer with someone else or a group of people at a local school or community organization.

I can’t wait to see what we all build together.