Not My Problem

The stranger cuts you off in traffic. The barista is rude. Your co-worker snubs your lunch invite.

The teacher doesn’t reply to your email. The desk clerk didn’t give you the upgrade. The police officer wrote you a ticket. The cashier snapped at you.

Our knee jerk reaction is usually a smug internal question: “What’s their problem?”

There must be something wrong with them.

A simple editing of that question could leave us in a better place. What if we asked ourselves, “What’s their struggle?”

Each of us struggles and understanding that someone’s behavior toward us isn’t the manifestation of a problem but rather of a struggle can help us live in community with more compassion, kindness, and empathy.

The stranger is struggling against an aggressive work deadline. The barista is struggling through a messy breakup. The co-worker is struggling with growing household debt.

The teacher is struggling with loneliness. The desk clerk is struggling with anxiety. The police officer is struggling with a sick parent. The cashier is struggling with addiction.

Everyone is doing their best

Brene Brown sums it up perfectly:

“The most compassionate people ... assume that other people are doing the best they can. I lived the opposite way: I assumed that people weren't doing their best, so I judged them and constantly fought being disappointed.”

Try it the next time you face someone and their problem. Reframe your internal accusation to assume they’re struggling and facing that struggle with the best fight they can muster.

Struggle sets the stage

The reason our lives change when we assume people are struggling is because only struggle can lead to ambition, and ambition leads to success. When we assume that people are struggling and trying their level best to improve, they are then also reaching toward something more, something better, something positive. And when someone is reaching for better, they may actually grasp it.

We need the struggle - and so does everyone else. We’re not mired in our problems. We’re - all of us - struggling toward the best version of ourselves.