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I Dub Thee

I'll be honest: one of the reasons I'm most excited about fatherhood is the chance to name something.

I've named a company, a book, a church and a cat in my lifetime. Sometimes, I made a list and picked what jumped out at me. Other times, I solicited friends and family to give their input. And yet at other times, the right name just grabbed me.

Of course, you can always change the name of a cat. It's a cat, after all. It doesn't even know its name. Maybe some cats do, but not mine. My cat knows that it will never come when called because she is secretly laughing inside (Do cats laugh on the outside? Certainly not.) at the fact that my wife and I actually think we have some kind of influence over this feline and can somehow shape what she does at any given moment.

This will probably be true of my child as well, from the time they emerge from the womb until I die.

Changing the name of a company, church or book is a bit more difficult. Mainly because there's paperwork and some public relations duties that come with rebranding. Same goes for a kid, I guess. I mean, I assume there's paperwork involved at some point, like with a birth certificate or when you sign them up for the Chuck E. Cheese birthday club.

So as you can see, naming this thing (yes, it's still a thing – we don't yet know the gender) is a big deal. Pick the wrong name and your kid will hate you long after you're gone. Sure, whenever it reaches some official age it could change their name, but trying to get those Chuck E. Cheese bastards to amend your club membership is a real pain.

Pick the right name, however, and your kid can be set for stardom. Let's face it: Ralph Gosselin, Nadine Hilton or Marla Lohan don't have the same star quality. Neither do Gertrude Cyrus, Larry Obama or Woodrow Pitt.

So, there's the great conundrum of responsibility that comes with parenting. Pick the wrong name, and they make a sex tape in rehab. Pick the right name and they can put you up in a mansion until dementia sets in.

Either way, I'll make it into their memoir – which they'll get to name.

Sam Davidson2 Comments