Why We'll Kill for Community
The 16-year-old probably didn’t wake up that morning thinking he was going to take someone’s eye. Having fled a group home earlier, he was looking desperately for a place to belong. And that drive was so great he was wiling to wield a knife on innocent passengers. Such an act, he believed, would prove his mettle and provide initiation into a local gang, a tangible if misguided form of community that had been glaringly absent most of his young life.
Recent headlines continue to paint a gruesome picture of gang initiation rituals, backing up the sensationalism we find in blockbuster movies or weekly news magazines. But underlying these acts of violence is a stark truth: humans need community so desperately that some of us are willing to kill to find it.
Why community matters
As a species, we form communities for three main reasons: survival, growth, and meaning.
Survival
Thousands upon thousands of years ago, our ancestors began forming communities primarily for survival. Taking down a mammoth was difficult to do solo, but get a group together and you can make easy work of one and everyone could enjoy its meat and hide. Fending off attack from packs of wild animals was also better faced with others. Groups huddled together for warmth and protected territory from invaders as a community.
Listening to an interview recently, the guest was asked, “What one thing would you take with you if stuck on a desert island?” The answer: “Another person.” Survival rates increase if we’re with others and the show Lost consistently reminded us that we “Live Together, Die Alone.” Want to die sooner? Isolate yourself from others.
But for the most part, survival thankfully is a daily given for many of us, at least in a world with grocery delivery, high rises, and Zoom. Therefore, one reason we still need community as a species is to grow.
Growth
We’re driven to improve. To adapt or die. This may be one reason we’re obsessed with self-help culture and keep hashtag hustling. So we work out in groups at the gym, ride bikes “together” with digital leaderboards, and are put in schools with people our same age since birth. We can learn and improve together better than we can solo.
You speak Spanish? Great; I’m a dancer. You help me conjugate verbs and I’ll show you this ballet move. You write code? I’m good with spreadsheets. Let’s start a company together. You’re tall, dark and handsome? I’m fertile. Let’s procreate. Everything’s better when someone else is around to join in.
Of course, there’s nothing exclusively human about community providing improvement of the individual or the species. All animals do likewise. No; we humans need something a bit deeper.
Meaning
Humans today form and grow communities for one deep reason: meaning. Finding a deeper purpose in our communities allows us to individually and collectively thrive. We’re wired to find meaning, whether in the cosmos, religion, or Oprah. Meaning is best derived with others, which is why we write scripture, sing songs, and pray as a group.
The worst of this meaning making takes the form of gangs, sects, and cults. In those situations, the wolf of power and control parades in the sheep’s clothing of meaning, leading many astray usually for the pleasure and passion of a dastardly egomaniac. Note to self: great communities are built upon a single purpose, not a single person.
But the best iteration of lasting community is rooted in deep meaning that improves the fortunes of the whole and thus each individual part. Take a look around: If the “community” you’re in isn’t offering meaning, then it’s not a community; it’s just a group.
How to find meaning
As tactile humans who need and enjoy the release of endorphins that come with physical effort, we need ritual to help create meaning. In other words, we like to do stuff externally that gives us meaning internally. But beware: we can do stuff without meaning. Kickball leagues are fun, but let’s not think that beer-fueled recreation will always result in meaningful connection.
So, if you find yourself part of a group that’s not quite a community, you don’t have to give up on it or leave just yet. Perhaps you’re the necessary catalyst, the missing ingredient needed to spur everyone toward something better for the benefit of all involved. You can help bridge the gap between doing things in common to doing things for a common reason.
The next time you gather and want to infuse more meaning in what you’re doing, take time to ask any of these three meaning-making question:
What can we do as a group ritual that will add deeper meaning?
What common purpose are we all here to explore and grow?
How can we connect deeper as a group that enhances our common humanity?
Deep questions? Yeah; sorry about that. “What’s your favorite color?” and “If you could be any kind of tree, what kind would you be?” won’t quite cut it when it’s time to build authentic community. (And neither will the question about what to take to a desert island, unless you answer that one correctly.)
But, depth is needed if we’re going to get the true benefits that only community can offer. Depth - not destruction - is another hallmark of the kind of community we’re all after, especially 16-year-old boys searching so badly for belonging.
